I’m in itsu. It’s 7pm, pre-gig, and I, along with some of central London’s other anchor-less, wide-eyed worker bees, am busy convincing myself that miso soup is dinner, and that we’re all in a modern Edward Hopper painting. It is not working. We are in a bustling commercial area in one of Europe’s largest, most famous historic cities, but it still looks, and crucially feels, like a service station.
I need a spoon for my soup. itsu technically doesn’t do spoons; it does little pink biodegradable sporks, a deep geometric bowl with a Tintin quiff of fork tines for ensnaring noodles. There’s a sign above them that says - what does it say? - HELLO I AM PAPER. I have to read it again. It’s actually in lower-case overly-friendly itsu font. hello i am paper. hello. i am paper.
And now I am furious. Why is life like this?? Why do the spoons in itsu have to have an identity?? Why are these inanimate objects talking to me?! How is this better??! I don’t need my soup spoon to have personhood. I need my dinner to be cheaper. I need to not have to buy dinner quickly on the way between two jobs on a Friday night, alone. I need a modern life that doesn’t feel 24/7 like I’m eating on the side of a motorway. No one needs a spoon that says hello. I’m about to put it in mouth. I don’t want to have to meet a spoon, to introduce myself to the device that I’m about to feed myself wet tofu with.
How juvenile are we as a culture that our disposable cutlery has to talk to us, like the crockery in Beauty & the Beast - except at least the cutlery in B&B could sing and dance (after all, Miss, this is France), whereas this brain-dead hivemind clump of tessellating loser sporks are only capable of saying HELLO I AM PAPER, over and over, to express all and every emotion, the fucking zombies. Trust us to give spoons consciousness but only up to the level of a heinous, amoebic, affront-unto-Christ, first-draft clone. These spoons are the grunt army that an evil culinary witch would send after you. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. HELLO I AM PAPER.
Also who is this sign for? Who is it that can read a sign in the English language but who is unable to identify paper on sight? Sure, Generation Alpha probably doesn’t write on paper any more, they just mash their simian embryo thumbs against haptic symbols until new brain-rot combinations of linguistic gunk leak unwittingly into the zeitgeist. But they do get Amazon parcels, I know that, and they’re made of cardboard, so they don’t have an excuse. I am so angry.
And then something, probably realisation, washes over me and I am not angry any more. Because there are self checkouts in itsu and I’ve used them to order my food, with my headphones in, and I’ve got the tube there with countless other sardines and spoken to no one, even though my face has faced a face the entire time, and in twenty minutes I’ll be on stage talking to people but it’s not a conversation and all the people are sitting in the dark, and then I’ll go back to my flat after my flatmates have gone to bed, and then I’ll go to sleep.
And I’m realising that this is what living in the city is: every day you see more people than a medieval person would see in a hundred years but the only thing that says hello to you is a bowl of fucking spoons.
And I don’t like it but, actually, maybe I need them to.
Ben’s News
There is simply a lot going on at the moment. And you may quote me on that.
August WIPs
Throughout August I’ll be doing new jokes and stories at the places below. I’d really love to see you there.
10th Aug - Jericho Comedy, Oxford - TICKETS HERE - use the discount code ‘B-Unit’ for £5 off
13th Aug - The Bill Murray, Islington - TICKETS HERE
29th Aug - Rosemary Branch Theatre - TICKETS HERE
The show on the 29th is a split WIP with the incredible clown/stand-up/character genius Sami Abu Wardeh who I love very much. Sami is Palestinian and we decided it would be a cool thing if all the ticket sales from that show went to PAL Action - a charity that organise direct action to stop British arms aiding the genocide in Palestine - so please do come to that show specifically! If you can’t come, there’s a link to the charity at the end of this email so you can donate directly. Thank you!
Holy Cow Youtube release
Exclusive news! Just for you, my loyal (or at least lazy enough not to unsubscribe) mailing list folk. My tour show from last year Holy Cow will be out on YouTube on Sept 1st! Before then I’ll be harping on about it online and posting come clips, so watch out for those. Also - as a treat for you still all being here, listening to me gas on about myself endlessly - you’ll receive it early here on the newsletter! So keep your eyes peeled. And obviously please do like it and share it when the time comes, if you can bearrrrr to offer me any more of your precious attention.
Alex & Ben’s BIG Gig for Parkinson’s
Saving the best ‘til last. This is something very, very special. On Oct 7th, old pal Alex MacKeith and I have put together an ENORMOUS bill of HUGE and EXCELLENT acts to raise money for Parkinson’s UK. The line-up, I am not joking, is nuts. It’ll be announced online very soon. There are big award winners in there! There are Taskmaster alumni in there! If there were ever a show to come to, this is the one. It’s at the Pleasance Mainstage in Islington (180 seats!! yikes!!) which is a big cabaret thrust stage space that rocks. There’s going to be a raffle so bring dosh and all your friends and a big generous heart. It’s going to be VERY fun.
OCT 7TH - GET YOUR TICKETS HERE
Feeling generous?
If you’ve got spare honk, why not consider giving to one of these amazing charities?
PAL Action - as above, this charity organises direct action to stop British arms manufacturers aiding the genocide in Palestine. Please give if you can. FREE PALESTINE.
Parkinson’s UK - Parkies provides care and support across the UK for people with Parkinson’s, and fund research into a cure. They do incredible work! Please consider donating!
If you have a charity close to your heart, however big or small, and want to include it here {or you wanna get in touch for whatever reason!} - just send us an email benpope86@gmail.com or Tweet at us @LoAnEmail