Lo! everybody,
Merry Festive Whatever to all 300ish of you. Thanks for letting us hide out in your inbox again this year. As Santa arrives to deadhead 2024, it’s good to remember that, if nothing else, we made it around the Sun again, which is an achievement in itself. Not to be rude, but we are absolutely lapping Mars. Jupiter can forget it. Sure, Venus is fast, but do they have wifi? Barely. We are still, despite everything, the solar system’s winners. Perspective is key.
Nonetheless, here comes December, with its precision-engineered combo of social obligations and the meteorological lack of Vitamin D to power them. I am, as ever, reduced in brain capacity and appearance, feeling like a sentient urinal cake. So I have little in the way of hard-earned end-of-year wisdom to share with you. Instead, in the spirit of the season (trade), I offer you a festive exclusive! It’s…
THE OFFICIAL BEN POPE CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE
Look, there’s a lot of competition in the Christmas gift market. But how better to cut through the festive dross than being able to say to your loved ones on December 25th, ‘don’t worry your gifts are approved by semi-professional* South-East London-based comedian and Boots Meal Deal enthusiast Ben Pope!’
The look of surprise, confusion and, let’s be honest, arousal will speak volumes**.
GIFT ONE - packet of dark chocolate Digestives
A friend recently sent me photo evidence that they’d seen a woman on the bus eating a pack of chocolate Digestives ‘like a sandwich’ (direct quote). I didn’t understand at first and actually it’s very difficult to describe. But let’s try: she had split the packet down it’s spine (like you’d debone a mackerel) and was biting into the entire packet, as one, vertically (i.e. portrait not landscape), with the biscuits still stacked on top of one another in a baton. Sort of how you’d bite into a Magnum. But it was chocolate Digestives. And she was doing this on the bus. What was going on with her we will never know, but what we can surmise is that however bad her day was going (and we can only assume it was very bad) the answer, the theoretical cure was a packet of Digestives eaten with absolutely zero plan or decorum. This leads me to believe they simply must be the most superior restorative treat in a time of crisis. Buy immediately.
(Preference for dark ones is my own).
GIFT TWO - books, always books
You can click on the image below to see my top recs for the year. I manage an independent bookshop in SE London, so I very vaguely know what I’m talking about. Don’t buy them from Amazon. Don’t do that. Don’t. They pee on their books.***
GIFT THREE - charity shop clothing
This one is not only a gift but also an experience for you, the buyer. Go to a charity shop and pick out the worst, most garish, cruel-to-the-human-eye, affront-unto-Christ piece of clothing you can find. This could be (and often is) a waistcoat or a tie or a novelty T-Shirt that was created purely for the purposes of a single stag do, emblazoned with an unfathomable and yet still offensive in-joke. I once found the Holy Grail: a promotional T that was designed for the day that Barbenheimer came out - one side Barbie pink, one side Nolan beige, the release date scrawled across the chest. A perfect horror.
Now wrap this and give it to your loved one completely, utterly sincerely. With a cute, neutral, jelly-baby smile on your face. In fact, as you give it to them you should say (out loud, with your mouth) ‘I saw this and I thought of you.’
This is a win-win situation. If they keep it, because they’re worried about your reaction if they chuck it, the prank has worked perfectly. You can receive a parcel of serotonin everyday thinking of the T-shirt sitting in their wardrobe, radiating tackiness. If they hate it and can’t stop laughing - what a lovely moment with a friend/family member/sig other! At Christmas no less! They can return it to the charity shop where it’ll generate more pounds for British Hearts and their heart-y Foundation. Plus you get the added bonus of knowing which of your close friends and family has a sense of humour - vital data!
GIFT FOUR - spork.
No joke here. I bought a titanium spork this year and, travelling around this scabrous puddle of a country for gigs, it has saved my life on more than one occasion. It came in a handy little pouch too. I love my little spork! Cutlery’s mermaid.
GIFT FIVE - Ben Pope-approved tickets to see Ben Pope
I am all over the UK next year with my new work-in-progress show. It’s really shaping up and I’d love you to see it before I do something big with it next autumn (eyes peeled for that). In the meantime, come and see me if you live in or near any of the following:
LONDON - 26th Jan @ The Glitch, Waterloo
GLASGOW - 23rd March @ The Old Hairdressers
BRIGHTON - 4th, 11th, 18th May @ The Quadrant
That’s all folks!! Merry Christmas!
*semi-professional in the fiscal sense only, in terms of behaviour I am very unprofessional, to the extent that you might doubt that comedy is a profession at all
**volumes about how surprised, confused and aroused they are
***I can’t verify this. But I bet they do.
Feeling generous?
If you’ve got spare honk, why not consider giving to one of these amazing charities?
PAL Action - this charity organises direct action to stop British arms manufacturers aiding the genocide in Palestine. And it’s working! Please give if you can. FREE PALESTINE.
Parkinson’s UK - Parkies provides care and support across the UK for people with Parkinson’s, and fund research into a cure. They do incredible work! Please consider donating!
If you have a charity close to your heart, however big or small, and want to include it here {or you wanna get in touch for whatever reason!} - just send us an email benpope86@gmail.com or Tweet at us @LoAnEmail